The Occasional Blog of Kathryn Funkhouser

Tell us a little about yourself.

Ok, ha ha, well.  Um.  Well, I just graduated from school in 2011.  I was a theater major, and since then I’ve been doing a lot of unpaid internships, so I guess I’m looking to take the next step.  I’m also looking to avoid the Mafioso whose brother I killed back in ‘92.

I see that you have quite a few internships on your resume here.  Can you maybe talk about some of those experiences? 

I had a really great experience working at Theater X last year.  Just a really nice group of people.  I first got involved with them when I was looking for costume pieces to use for the elaborate series of disguises I was wearing at the time.  They said I could borrow their sombrero if I took tickets at the door, and I got increasingly involved on the creative end from there.

Yes, I see that they produced your play The Assassin’s Mistake.  That’s wonderful.

Thank you.  It was a very personal piece, so it was great to get their support.

Now, how did you come to leave that job?

I switch neighborhoods of the city every few months so that my trail through the sewers  doesn’t become too easy to follow, and I wasn’t able to get there from Queens.

Of course.  So that was more of a creative position.  Was your next job more on the clerical end?

Yes, I got a lot of great experience at Theater Y.  I’m really proficient now in Microsoft Office, Excel, Outlook, sending pigeons for help, InDesign, light and dark magic, and Photoshop.

Did you say Excel?

I did.

That’s great!

Great!

Now, can you talk a little bit about your strengths?

Oh, gosh.  I guess I’d say I’m very detail-oriented, I work well as part of a team, and I’m always very aware of possible enemies and where they could be hiding.

How about weaknesses?

Well, sometimes I think you could say I’m a little too aware of my enemies!  At my last job there was this totally weird misunderstanding where I punched this girl in the face when she tried to tuck in the tag on the back of my shirt without making enough noise to let me know she was there.  We’re still Facebook friends and she kids me about it all the time.  Oh, also I’d say I’m kind of a perfectionist.

Okay, and finally, where do you see yourself in five years?

Hmmm, that’s a tough one.  I’d say … maybe at the bottom of the river, because of the Mafia?  Or maybe publishing.  

Part 1: Harry Potter

Contains SPOILERS and PUNS about Harry Potter. I’m not sorry.

The last trace of steam evaporated in the autumn air. The train rounded a corner. Harry’s hand was still raised in farewell. But yet there was still more steam, which was strange. Where was it coming from? Steam was filling Platform 9 3/4 now, and all the proud parents began to cough. Suddenly, out of the haze, another train barreled into the station and came to a screeching halt.

“But that’s impossible!” shouted Ron. “There’s only one train that leaves from this platform. Where could it have come from?” Hermione gazed at the gleaming letters on the side, which unmistakably said HOGWARTS EXPRESS. “I think the question is, when did it come from?”

“What do you mean?” Ron sputtered.

“It’s clearly the same train, but it’s traveled through time somehow.”

“Ten points to Gryffindor,” said a familiar, dry voice from out of the cloud of steam. “Whatever her faults, Miss Granger was always quite … quick.” Harry stood frozen. “Professor Snape?” He whispered. “You can’t be serious.” “No,” said another voice. “But I can be Sirius.” Harry turned and was immediately enveloped in the strong arms of Sirius Black. “I am serious as well.” Snape said, caressing Sirius’ wild hair. “Serious … about Sirius. One might say.”

“I’m sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, Harry,” said Sirius, slinging his arm around Snape with rough tenderness. “We’ve had quite a time! Dobby’s the only one who knows how to drive the train and he kept getting lost.”

“And don’t forget, my sweet, that Lupin and Tonks were too occupied making tender love with Fred to help navigate,” said Snape. “I don’t believe they even know that we’ve arrived.”

“I’ll go tell them,” said Hermione quickly. “Eventually. I mean as soon as I see them. For just a second. Er. Yes.” She bounded onto the train.

Harry smiled. “Well, now that the kids are off at Hogwarts, I’ve got some time on my hands for an adventure.”

“Really, Harry?” said Ron, his voice breaking slightly. “You’re feeling … adventurous? That’s interesting.”

“We shall see, old friend. We shall see.” Harry touched his scar, almost affectionately, and got on the train to see what would happen next.